My mother forced the two of us, my sister and I, to take piano lessons. We both hated practicing.
"Oh how happy I would have been if my parents had given me piano lessons," my mother said hoping to motivate me.
I said nothing when she started on these speeches of how fortunate we were and what a financial sacrifice it was for my father to afford these lessons. I knew it was a financial sacrifice but I didn't feel fortunate; I was miserable. Then I started thinking about what she said maybe she would like to take lessons and would leave me alone. Not likely, but one day in the sweetest and nicest voice I could muster I said, "Momma why don't you take piano lessons instead of me?" It went over like a lead balloon, she started yelling " it's too late for me, you take lessons now, you are so lucky." She saw through me and made sure I got back to the piano. She always got her way, I was compliant and rarely said anything. I knew why she wanted us to play, She wanted us to appear as refined, accomplished, graceful, gentle and lovely girls to her guests. But, it didn't work out that way. "Why do you look so sad all the time?" she yelled at me, "you have so much." I usually didn't answer but once I responded by telling her that I was ugly and stupid. That did it, she was furious and shrieked at me. I said nothing and went off to clean the bathroom.
I never learned to play piano and she finally gave up trying to force us to take lessons. But the maple colored Steinway remained in the living room and when I polished the furniture with lemon polish I would sometimes open it and put my fingers on the keys.
"What should we sing today?" I ask. "What would you like to sing about? he asks. "I don't know, I just don't know" Suddenly a nursery rhyme pops into my mind so I start singing
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
and all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put
Humpty Dumpty together again
I'm laughing as I'm singing cause it's silly and fun and I can sing anything when I'm with Alan. I see men trying to glue Humpty Dumpty's pieces together; it's impossible. I'm feeling sad. I decide to stop singing and to sit down with Alan at the piano. We play a duet. Remember dear reader, I don't know how to play piano but with Alan it's possible. When we finish, Alan says "that was beautiful," "No" I sing back. It can't be that anything I played on the piano could be beautiful. I feel flushed and overcome with emotion. I keep singing "no," I'm filled with a desire to hide.
Please don't notice what I do, what I do
I am nobody please don't notice what I do
A beautiful blues ballad emerges. It carries me; the lyrics pour out. I weep as I sing. I see the broken pieces of my life all over the floor. Alan plays music that tells me he hears the anguish in my soul.
I would rather lie and tell you everything's all right
Let the broken pieces lie on the floor
Let the broken pieces lie on the floor
I try to hide, I try to hide
I try to hide, I try to hide
But sometimes I practice saying thank you
I hope when I say thank you
That you might fooled
And walk away, and walk away
And leave me with my broken pieces
I'm crying as I finish singing.
