I slept badly last night. I was attending a writing workshop in Woodstock and staying in my friends' home. The house is surrounded by pines trees, the aroma is strong and inviting and reminds me of Greece, but I was too frightened to allow the memories to come over me. Somehow, I had to figure out a way to get through the next 17 hours alone in their house. What could be the danger that I fear I ask myself today in the warmth of a sunny day? The first answer I come up with was that I was afraid for my safety. But, that didn't stand up to a logical look at the situation. I am an intimate with FEAR.
Still I could not get beyond the initial fears. I thought about the bears, are there any bears in the woods near their house? David who picked me up at the bus assured me that bears were not likely to be moving around the house. But my fears persisted, might they come open the door and get me? Not likely. How about a prowler? The door was not locked; I went down and tried to lock it but I couldn't do it. I told myself my fears were silly and went back upstairs. The fears continued. I tried listening to some music; they had a Coltrane CD. I felt calmer as soon as I heard that fabulous sax. Ahh the power of music!!! How much fear it has helped me to get through. As the fear rose up in me again, I decided to try a second time to lock the door. Down I went committed to find a way to lock this door. I examined the lock carefully and realized that the lock was not well aligned with the door. Success at last. I came back upstairs and read the liner notes for the Coltrane CD. I calmed down a bit but only for a little while. The fear was all over me. How much of my life had I spent in this way? Too much.
I know when I am singing that the words "fear and scared" come up repeatedly. The pattern dominates my music. I remember how scared I was of the dream with the two hats menacing me in the elevator I sang strange atonal sounds that reflected my fear and confusion. Then I tried to guess the names of the hats and when the words
came out of my mouth I burst into laughter. Two miniature hats small enough to fit into the palm of my hand one called Scared the other Paralyzed. Ha..ha..ha...I threw rhythm and swing at the fear, laughing at the silliness of singing about paralysis and fear. I sang out
I put on scared first
I put on scared first...ha...ha
And I started shivering in my boots...ha...ha